Nearly Last Wishes

April 1, 2006 (our sixth anniversary)

We talked tonight about fear and death. Hopefully, we won't continue to live in that place. We cried about Iain and little Dalton and our own potential loss. Faith was hard to muster today. Heaven is a place for old people to go after they've Seen their kids grow up. Not really, I know. But it seems like that's how it should be.

I wrote that post the day after the doctors told us that the cancer was in Dalton's lungs, liver, and abdomen. We had sat in the living room after Iain had gone to sleep. I was on the couch. Dalton was on the chair.

In between sobs, I managed to ask "If something happens and you die, do you want me to stay here? In this house?"

"No." He answered. "I'm not going to die from this cancer, but if I got hit by a bus on the way to get my chemo, I'd want you to move closer to LA, to be near our friends. Maybe someplace like Pasadena. Take Iain to the places we liked. Teach him to eat sushi at A'float. Get him a hot chocolate at our Coffee Bean." Mostly, I'd want you to stay connected to the church and our church friends. They've been good to us."

...On Tuesday, the realtor called to tell me that the offer had been accepted. I am in escrow on a house in Pasadena. Actually, it's a duplex, and I'm buying it with some dear friends from church. It's in an amazing area. We can walk to the Rose Bowl and Old Town. It's literally across the street from the Gamble House and a few blocks from the Norton Simon Museum. The friends I am buying the house with have become surrogate grandparents to Iain and spiritual lifesavers for me. It's a good move. Probably short term. Maybe for two years. Then I'll revisit NoCal. Or New York. Who knows?

As much as I am in love with Northern California, I am not ready for that kind of a change yet. As a matter of fact, the fact of buying a house anywhere seems to have opened the floodgates so-to-speak, and I can't seem to stop crying. Something about starting to build a life without Dalton as opposed to just sampling different options is making it all too real.

Every time I say that, it sounds absurb, but it's true. By refusing to either live in our old routine or establish new ones, I have been able to maintain a sort of denial. Not so now. If only my shrink were more into the antidepressants...

As an aside, I am really glad that I have had this time to travel and socialize and live in two places at once. In fact, I never really decided on LA vs. SF. It just sort of happened. The house became available. It felt "right" like nothing else had. So I went for it.

I guess if all goes well at the inspection, I will indeed be living in "someplace like Pasadena. Taking Iain to the places we liked. Teaching him to eat sushi at A'float. Getting him a hot chocolate at our Coffee Bean." And, considering I'll be living next door to our church friends, staying connected shouldn't be a problem.