Capricious. Fickle. Flighty. Wishy-washy.

This figuring out where I want to live business is exhausting. Sure, lugging Iain (who now weighs a whopping 32 lbs.) through Ontario and Oakland airports, balancing him on my hip while I virtually disrobe at the security checkpoint, and keeping him entertained while we sit on the runway due to inclement weather can be challenging. But really, it’s the mental workout that’s doing me in.

I thought I’d made up my mind to stay in LA. I even made a pretty convincing case for it to numerous friends and family. And now…again…I’m not so sure.

My reason and rationale for staying in LA is simple and straightforward and singular. Friends. I don’t mean acquaintances or “work friends” or people that you hang out with because your kids are on the same soccer team. I mean genuine, intimate relationships with people whose company you really enjoy and who know all your shit and love you anyway. I don’t want this to be taken lightly, because it isn’t a light topic for me. If it were, my house in LA would already be on the market.

But, there is absolutely nothing about the city of LA or the Greater Los Angeles area that excites me. Almost everything about Northern California excites me.

Today, Iain and I did everyday things that reinforced how much I love Northern California. We woke up to a cool house shrouded in fog, nestled in the trees, overlooking the ocean. We sipped our morning beverages next to a cozy fire and listened to birds calling outside. We ventured out to Toys r’ Us in the largest city in Marin (San Rafael pop. 50,000) and met a lovely family who directed us to the local Trader Joes. We bought our goodies and struck up a conversation with a really nice guy who joked with Iain and recommended Paradise Market (not Togo’s) for a great sandwich. By then, the sun was shining but it was still a brisk 50 degrees. Perfect for sitting outside bundled up in a winter coat. After lunch, we headed into the city.

The city gets its own paragraph of course. First of all, there is nothing more amazing than driving through the green hills of Sausalito and emerging from the last curve right at the base of the Golden Gate Bridge. It makes my heart skip and takes my breath away every time I do it. You can actually feel the energy change while you are out over the water such that by the time you land on Lombard, it is a whole different world. Like Manhattan, space it at such a premium in San Francisco, that everything has height. Plus, the hills add another dimension of interest to an already interesting city. Iain was captivated by the buses of course. And the cable cars. And all the people. I was fixated on the different neighborhoods and how much there was to explore. I wanted to park, pull out the stroller and stroll. But today was a day for shopping and the most efficient use of that time would still be had at San Francisco Centre. I won’t go in to the details of our shopping experience because after all it is still a mall. However, we ate lunch at a great French bakery and again met several really nice people who all seemed to be fascinated with Iain. We walked along Market in the hustle and bustle of other holiday shoppers, passed over the city sidewalk grates that could only be charming to someone like me, and stopped at a local café for an evening cappuccino.

So now, I am rethinking the city as a place to live.

I know myself well enough to know that I would eventually want to retreat to the comfort of Marin where parking is easy to come by and houses have backyards instead of fire escapes. But maybe, while I have the chance, I should live in the city for a little while. Maybe just rent for a year? Let Iain’s spongy brain soak in everything a city has to offer. Meet others who share a love for wine and books and theatre and music and all things independent. Maybe. While I still have the chance.

Capricious. Fickle. Flighty. Wishy-washy.

Would really love some resolution.