Friday, January 26, 2007

The Tour is Coming to an End

A shift is taking place.

For the first time in 8 months...oh God, it's eight months today...I feel like settling down. NOOOO, I don't mean "get married", maybe more like settling in. I want to set an alarm clock, go grocery shopping, have a bedtime routine with Iain, know which days I am working and which days I am playing. I want to know where I live and what is vacation and what is home. I want just one teensy weensy ounce of routine in my life.

I realized yesterday that life hasn't been steady for over 26 months. That's ridiculous. In Ocotber 2004, I was 12 weeks pregnant, mom went on hospice, and I shifted my focus from work to caring for her. Shortly after she died, I was put on bedrest. Iain was born. My church imploded. I lost my job. Dalton was diagnosed with cancer. He was treated. He had surgery. He came home. He died. Since then, I have done everything I could think of to avoid settling in. I've travelled, lived in two places at once, refused a set work schedule, and overbooked my socail calendar. Anything to avoid steady.

Steady was with Dalton before October 2004.

It's time to find steady with Iain in 2007.

It physically hurts to begin that process. The pit that I first wrote about shortly after Dalton died is bigger than ever. Nothing makes his absense more palpable than planning a week of meals and cooking them up on a Monday night without him. That makes us sound dull, I know, but it was actually how we managed to stay spontaneous in the midst of a really really busy life. Having lunches prepped in advance meant that a last minute invitation a show at the El Rey could be accepted instead of declined. I like having a plan to stray from. Living in constant whimsy has felt a bit like being on a whirlwind tour of Europe. I just want to pick someplace and stay put for awhile.

Of course, I still intend to sleep in on my days off, find a last minute sitter so I can join the girls for happy hour, travel often, stay up late, get up early, earn my pilot's license, buy wine's that's too expensive, and generally feel obligated (not just free) to really get the most out of this life. It's so easy to forget how quickly time passes, and I don't want to miss out on opportunities to enjoy life in favor of just getting through it.

Still, I think it's time for steady. And steady is looking really painful.


Blogger amanda said...

It will come with time, dear. Take care of yourself, and things will fall into place with time.

Take care of yourself in the time being.

8:07 PM  

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