Self-centered and Apologetic

Dear Anonymous:

You are right. I am self-centered. As are you. As was Dalton. As is my precious son Iain. As is all of humanity. It is our nature. It is why we disobeyed God in the first place. And, it is why we continue to do so. Nevertheless, for most of the day, I try not to be. I wake up in the morning and I fix breakfast for my son. We read stories. We sing. I tell him about his daddy. We chase each other around the house. I do my best.

This blog is more of an open journal and ongoing prayer. Like the Psalms without the "God-inspiration" part. I've never been much of an emotional exhibitionist. Yet the blog lets me express my grief so that friends and family know my pain and my struggle. So they can pray and care for me as Jesus tells us all to do. Including you.

It is self-indulgent. If it offends you, pray for me. It is whiny, and that offends me. But for right now, it's all I have the strength for. Your rant is whiny and self-righteous and you have no excuse (forgive me, God).

In fact, I regularly thank God that Dalton now longer suffers. I appreciate that he is free from all of his burdens. It is my own loss and Iain's loss that I grieve and that is quite normal. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall know comfort. And while that comfort will ease the pain, it will not be reieved until I am done with this temporal life and am living in the eternal.

As for my faith, judge not lest ye be judged. I take comfort in knowing that both scripture and the writings of past saints affirm my angst, my anger, my pain, my weakness, and my joy. It assures me that even when I question, God remains. I would encourage you to spend some time reviewing scripture with an open heart. Read the Psalms. Read David's words. Reivsit the disciples' lives. Consider Paul. Even Jesus whose relationship to God surpasses most human understanding cries out "Why have you forsaken me?"

And, do not fall into the trap of the Pharisees, to whom Jesus says, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

"Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone."

The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." And with that, I will pray for your wretched soul.