Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Whose Blog Is It Anyway.

So many acquaintances and even friends say "You have such incredible faith. You are an inspiration." or "Your faith has so clearly sustained you. At least that has remained strong." If you are one of these, please don't be offended, but I often find myself wondering, "Whose blog have you been reading, anyway?"

I've finally come to the conclusion that you are seeing what you want to see, what you ernestly pray for, what you desperately desire - a young woman who has suffered a terrible loss, but is nonetheless being wrapped in God's comforting arms and palpable love. Reality check...no.

My faith continues to be a struggle. More of an exercise in discipline and reason than love and attraction. I stay this path because I have no choice. I cannot deny what God has done for me in the past. I can't deny that he led me out of Egypt and captivity through miraculous means (a metaphor of course). I cannot deny how he spared Dalton once before and offered us joy when we didn't deserve it. No matter how much I would prefer to discount God, to disbelieve him, my rational mind simply can't chalk up the last ten years to chance.

But then what? Like Lewis, the question then isn't whether God exists, but whether He is good. And what is worse? Believing their is no God or believing that He is evil? Random? Spiteful? Mean. Of course, that kind of talk doesn't do me much good either, because if He is those things then my feelings toward Him don't matter. And if by chance he is a loving God, then I am rejecting my only potential source of comfort.

You know what I want to do for comfort? I want to go to Vegas. Drop Iain off with the grandparents. Put the top down on the convertible. Turn up the volume. Book a room at the Hard Rock. Play really loud music. Drink. Gamble. Lay out by the pool. Embrace my singleness. Do all sorts of things that would absolutely have to "stay in Vegas." Mark my words, it will happen. It's almost a rite of passage. Then - mark my words again - I will come home to the same empty house, missing Dalton even more than I did before my trip, and be no better off.

But I'm angry, and somehow I think this would ease my anger. I'm angry at the God who did this to me. Why did you give us a glimpse of joy and then rip it out from under us? Were we not grateful enough? Did we take too much for granted? If we had been better "children" would you have let us play longer? Sure you exist, but you're mean. You made us this way and then you punsihed us for it. What kind of love is that?

Apparently it's the only one I've got.

So barring any other choices, I'll bring my thinking back around and try to see things in the eternal, to realze that this world is temporal, that ultimately once I get through with all the crap that is now, I wil have permanent joy. It's either a load of crap or the truth. If I bet crap, even if I win, there is no pay off. If I bet truth, at least there is a chance of hitting in big.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Laurie said...

Hi sweetie,
Well I think you are going to really piss off some of your readers, but hell, this is certainly NOT your first blog to confront your belief!

I am really looking forward to seeing you soon. Call me and let me know when and if you can come here and we will head out for our adventure. I am looking forward to seeing and playing with Iain.

I am relying on your friends that see you often to be a source of strength. Perhaps you know of someone who could go with you on your adventure....get silly, sick, and forget reality for a short while. I can tell you from experience, I, too, felt the same way and in fact did the same adventure after Adam passed away. Marv and I left Matt behind with grandparents and off we went for 7 full days in Vegas.

Funny, but when I was reading your blog, I thought immediately of Mom. Vegas? Wind blowing through your hair? Loud music? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? You are one of the very few who ever heard what DID happen in Vegas!!

When we see one another, we will have to discuss the possibility of me watching Iain and YOU GETTING THE "F" OUT OF HERE.

I love you, think of you and feel you.....Laurie

9:28 AM  
Blogger mendacious said...

i think you're absolutely right- and a lot of people go thru this not with just grief but what they observe in the world- i've been passively suicidal for a very long time- it's not that i don't live and breathe and occassionally have fun but i decided at one point that i gave my life over to God and it was his to give or take- and i suppose that's the difference. but it doesn't mean you don't get angry or pissed off- living in a fallen world sucks and when you have no one to share it with i think it makes it harder to a point- i think i wait for God to fill that gaping emptiness and he usually does but those in btw times are a bitch. : )

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God did not promise us a painfree life. Being angry is normal. Wanting to drink and gamble will do nothing for you, it won't ease the pain. If God does not care, if he does not love you. Why did he suffer so much and take all our sin on the cross and die for us so that we may have eternal life. Maybe God is grieving over the fact that you have not truly experienced his heart just yet. I pray that you do. Don't give in to the devil, he wants you to be angy at God and do everything that is of the flesh so he can draw you away from your heavenly Father.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When Dalton was here and I use to read your blogs, I thought you were very "self-centered". Now,you've just confirmed it!! I feel sorry for you! You think too much of yourself, what "I" feel, what "I" want, what "I", "I", "I". You need to grow up and go on with your life. You have a son and that's more than many woman out there are asking for. Dalton may be gone and you may experience the loss and the pain, but you're going way off the hill. You should be thanking God Dalton is not here suffering the "cancer pain" and that's more than your pain. Your pain will ease over time, maybe many months, or even years, but eventually it will go away. There was nothing to cure or to ease Dalton's pain! I guess you never had faith either. If you did, you would not feel the way you do about God. God is not stubborn or grants us our wishes when we want to. He decides, he owns our lives, He has a plan which may not be your plan. You're a coward. You want the easy way out!! Vegas, gambling, drinking --- start taking care of Iain!

3:25 PM  

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