Numb

For lack of a better word, that is how I've felt for the past two days. Numb. Not sure why that's the case. Perhaps all of the logistical/administrative stuff that I've been dealing with has caused me to shut down. Maybe it's a defense mechanism of sorts. I'm really not sure. Actually, it's kind of disturbing, like I'm vaguely aware that there is something I am supposed to be emotionally devastated by, but I can't locate the source of the pain. I know that sounds absurd, but words fail.

Yesterday, Iain and I visited both the Social Security Office and the Life Insurance agent. Both visits were so proper and clinical. The social security agent who took the application kept repeating things back to me from the application for confirmation.

"So, you began your marriage in Los Angeles in 200o and ended it in West Covina in 2006."

Did I end my marriage? I mean, my husband died, but it's not like intentionally ended my marriage.

"And, let's see, your husband died of cardiopulmonary arrest."

I know that's what the death certificate says, but there was so much more. He went through so much to have the only record of his death say that his heart simply stopped beating.

"And he has two decendents, Dalton and Iain Harding"

They're his sons you idiot, his sons.

Anyway, that's how I felt most of the day. I kept wanting to say, but it's not just about the paperwork and the planning and the money. But to them, it was. How could it be anything else?

Speaking of that, I'm sure I will post at some other time about the financial implications of death - especially an early one -BUT if you are reading this right now and do not have life insurance and a trust set up to provide for your kids, do it now.

We were lucky, it was the last thing Dalton did in his role at Hollywood Pres. before returning to Marsh, and it has made a world of difference. While we weren't in ideal shape, we were definitely better off than most people our age, and what we had will allow me at least a little bit of space to grieve and be with Iain without worrying about money.