Friday, June 09, 2006

Postponing the Inevitable

Dalton died two weeks ago today. Since then, I haven't been left alone for more than a few moments during the day and a few hours in the evening when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. However, my friend Sandi is heading back to Baltimore on Sunday and I will finally begin to get a fuller taste of what life is like without Dalton. Based on the few moments of downtime that I have had these past two weeks, I expect to be a bit of a wreck.

But what else can I do? This round the clock vigil can't go on forever. And as much as I dread experiencing the severity of pain that accompanies this loss, my body already knows that it is there. The pit, the tears in my scarce alone moments, the drifting away in the middle of conversations, the complete apathy about 99% of what other people are interested in, and the exhaustion I experience after doing nothing are pretty solid indicators of the damage that lies underneath. But, can something really heal without being cleaned out, properly dressed and little by little exposed to the outwside world?

Today I asked Larry (my mom's husband and Iain's Grandpa) whether he celebrated Father's day. Since my mom died in Novemeber 2004, Larry has begun practicing a faith that eschews all holidays. But, Father's Day has traditionally been a tough one for me because my Father died in 1994 and his birthday (June 15) always falls in the same week. Of course, this year, I have the added bonus of having lost my grandfather, and Iain's daddy in the four months leading up to that happy day. Anyways, Larry is very good to me and has done more than anyone could ask in these past few months, and he is a great Grandpa. However, when I asked about Father's Day, he replied, "We don't celebrate that day, but you can always give me the gift at another time." Clueless.



I suppose that the right thing to do would be to spend it with Dalton's parents, but they weren't especially upbeat folks to start with and they are ten times more depressed after the death of their son. Believe it or not, there are cases in which misery does NOT love company. This is one of them. Again, let me point out how much help they have been to me and to Iain and how appreciative I am. However, I just don't know if I will have the emotional energy that would be necessary for me to do that "right thing".

So here I go, into what I suspect will be one of the most challenging and painful times of my life. Please God, give me strength and comfort.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been following your entries and unfortunately things did not end the way you or any of us wanted them to end. I can relate to your pain, sadness, anger and frustration due to your husband's death.
I also lost my husband and can totally relate to you. I can tell you that NO ONE can understand or relate to these feelings unless you have gone through such a loss. I can also tell you that God was and still is my strength! It might not make sense to you at this time, but God is the only one that can fill that void, that emptiness, and take that sadness away. It is normal, it is o.k. to feel everything you are going through now. WHY? Because we are only human.
But you are not alone, God is there with you! He is the only one that will help you and give you strength to go on. You have your son to raise and he needs every bit of you.
Many times I found myself questioning God. Why him? Why didn't you heal him? Only with time and as years went by, I learned to accept God's will. I also learned that I was being very selfish. I didn't want to loose my husband, but then I thought of the pain and suffering that he was going through. Only God knows why him. God always has a purpose. We might not understand it now, but with time, we will.
I now understand that if my husband would still be here, he would be like a vegetable! That situation is also very sad, stressfull, and depressing. When you see that your loved one is suffering and going through so much pain.
I can totally relate to you, but trust me......Just hold on to God's hand and he will not fail you!! He knows the pain you are going through, he knows your thoughts, so just continue to pray, get involved in the church, and enjoy your son to the fullest!
Hope this helps!! You and your son are in my prayers!

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is Thank You for continuing to share your experience with us! Reading your postings has been of great help to me! Many of us are still reading! You are not alone!
You are a blessing to me!

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I recall when my dad passed away, he was ill for a long time,and when he went home, it was a blessing. I still talk to my dad, the answers don't come quickly as I might wish but when you doing something or driving you will hear the answers and know Dalton is talking to you. [My dad always wanted to go to Hawaii with the whole family my mon, brother, sister & myself, but he passed away before that happened, well the whole family did go to Hawaii,years latter and my dad did a little TV acting before he passed away, and one of the shows he did was off the air for years, and beleave it or not the whole family was sitting watching TV and there my dad appears, with us all watching in shock...] Keep telling us of your journey, we're all behind you and feeling your pain, tears.

11:26 AM  

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