Saturday, April 01, 2006

Something

If you want to know what's been going on these past few weeks, read the post below called "Recovery. When?" before you continue.

I hate CT scans. I hate cancer centers. I hate oncologists. I hate waiting rooms. I hate rain. I hate retching. I hate pain. I hate cancer.

For those who have "admired my strength and faith", this is not the post for you.

There is cancer everywhere.

Well, not everywhere. The CT scan only included the chest, abdomen, and pelvis. But 3 for 3 might as well be everywhere. The official word from the oncologist was "Your CT is not looking very good." This was his gentle way of easing into the fact that there are cancer deposits throughout the abdomen, spots on the lungs, infected nodes in the pelvis, and tumor on the spine." F?*%!

Indeed, something wasn't right. The leg pain is being caused by the spinal mets (cancer lingo for metastasis). The bloating and nausea are being cause by the 1-2 liters of malignant fluid inside Dalton's abdomen. The lack of appetite...well that's just what cancer does.

They're going to radiate the spinal tumor in order to shrink it and alleviate some of the pain. There is also a fear that it could cause the bone to be severely brittle and break. Broken backs are never a good thing, so the tumor has got to go.

Unfortunately, it sounds like they won't do any more chemo until that part has been sufficiently radiated. We don't know why since they had no problem pummeling him with it all at once last fall. Maybe we'll ask again next week. In the meantime, I find myself trying to banish images of the cancer growing and growing and growing inside of Dalton while we wait. Don't they understand it's trying to kill him? And, it's winning?

They tried to go in with a needle late this afternoon and draw out some of the fluid from his abdomen so that he would be more comfortable, but his intestines wouldn't cooperate and kept blocking the entry path. They did however reschedule the procedure for next Thursday and write him a prescription for some much heavier duty pain meds. They also gave him some steroids to reduce the swelling in the spine. We're trying not to focus too much on how often they're using the word comfortable.

To be fair, the doctor said (and I quote). "This does not mean that we are throwing up our hands and giving up. There is still much more we can do." However, until we start doing something, there is this sense that there is a very nasty and aggressive tumor trying take over Dalton's body.

We talked tonight about fear and death. Hopefully, we won't continue to live in that place. We cried about Iain and little Dalton and our own potential loss. Faith was hard to muster today. Heaven is a place for old people to go after they've Seen their kids grow up. Not really, I know. But it seems like that's how it should be.

The cancer treadmill has begun once again and someone set the speed at turbo without even a warm up. We have appointments next week every day but Monday, and I promise to be more consistent in my writings. It shouldn't be too hard. I really can't sleep.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tricia,
I read your words and they could have been mine 22 years ago. It is so hard to be part of this as it unfolds in your life. I will pray for both of you for the Lord to give you both just what you need to get through this time and this illness.
Sarah Berry

10:55 AM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Trisha,

I wish we weren't so far away or i'd drive up just to buy you a Starbucks and give you a hug.

Sandi and Noelle

11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Trisha,
I think about you all the time. I read the Prophet again, as I did so many times through my days of active cancer. I find that book can express all that I am unable to say. I pray and pray and pray for Dalton and you. I promise. I won't stop!
Cleve

3:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tricia,
We have been and are praying steadfastly for you. You don't need to worry about being an exampe of "strength and faith". When you are weak He is strong. More people than you can imagine are interceeding on your behalf.
Love, Michelle and Mike Lowe

10:29 PM  
Blogger James Rice said...

I'm so sorry. I feel you. I wish I could do something for you besides weeping. My prayers for you will be renewed.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again, I would really suggest that you pray and pray a lot. The Lords is the only one that can give both of you the strength and patience that you need. I can understand the situation very well. My family and I went through the - same or very, very similar - experience a little over a year ago. My brother had a very aggressive tumor that kept coming back every time, but the Lord gave him the strength to go on. Believe it or not, he was the only one that was able to help!! It's very frustrating seeing your loved one suffer and not being able to do much for that person. Be strong and give him all your love. Remember that the Lord will not give you more than what you can handle. Share every minute to the fullest!!!! May God be with you and your family. My prayers are with you. MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cancer Sucks!!
We are praying for Dalton and you and the boys. Hoping that the cancer is removed safely and Dalton is healed. Sammye

8:07 AM  
Anonymous Jon & Bella said...

Tricia,
Incredible and awful. We are praying for you guys. Lord Jesus, please help them!

"We ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:23-27

In the grace of Jesus,

Jon & Bella

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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6:18 PM  

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