Sunday, July 02, 2006

Blank

I can't seem to find the right word for how I am feeling right now. Sad. Tired. Blah. In pain. Anxious. Depressed. Despondant. Longing. Heartbroken.

I think that's it. Heartbroken.

I've yet to understand why the pain from grief seems to be so centered around my heart when it is my mind, body, and spirit that misses him so much. Today is a very bad day. I would like for someone to come out and take Iain for a week so that I could just curl up in bed and cry. Really, I'd rather curl up and die. I just don't want to do this. Iain is so happy and I'm really doing my best to play and laugh and give him a good, stable environment to grow up in , but inside it's killing me. I could have sat all day and just stared out at our yard. Dalton loved our yard. We bought it so that we could entertain and sit out on the patio on days like today and watch the boys run around. Instead, Iain kept bringing me books to read and balls to throw and the patio stared in at me, taunting me with its leftover tablecloths from Dalton's memorial.

I looked at pictures for a long time last night and wanted to share some with those of you who may not know us (and for those that do).

This is us pre-Iain, actually 1999.


This is our favorite candid wedding photo.






This is us goofing off in San Francisco when I was 6 months pregnant.










This is us the day that Iain was born.

This is Daddy introducing Iain to the sublteties of a good Pinot.

This is Love.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Jeanette Newton said...

Ohhhh, Tricia, it hurts that you hurt...maybe somehow in this universe, when we share, like you are sharing, that others somehow manage to absorb some of your pain. God knows I am willing.
I wish you a good nights' sleep.
A peaceful dream. A comforting
string of thoughts. An answered prayer!!!

7:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your husband was gloriously handsome, and you both look so in love. I can't begin to imagine the deep pain and loss you are feeling. I commend you for sharing it with others, and hope that you find some small amount of peace in knowing that there are people who are peeking into your life and wishing the best for you.

9:22 PM  
Blogger The Chudmann's- a & j said...

My greatest fear is what you are going through. I have no advice, but I want to read and listen.

11:36 PM  
Blogger The Chudmann's- a & j said...

How can I advise one going through my worst fear?

11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tricia,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us! I can only offer a prayer and just want to let you know that God is with you and the kids. He knows your thoughts and feelings. I pray that God give you strentgh while you go through this life experience. Ian is a big blessing right now! If you did not have little Ian, I think it's harder to go through this journey alone. Little Ian needs you and you need him! Just see little Ian as a wonderful blessing Dalton left for you! A big piece of Dalton lives in little Ian, so enjoy every second you are with him! May God give you peace!

12:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing those lovely pictures!

12:49 AM  
Blogger Jewel said...

Dear Tricia, I hardly know what to say in an effort to comfort you. I wonder if it is possible to be comforted where you are? I only pray and hope that it is possible for I may very well find myself in similar circumstances someday. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Your writing is so honest and pure. So real. I've often wondered how someone feels when they lose a spouse or how might I understand or even attempt to understand. You're helping, Tricia. My husband and I pray for you daily since finding your blog and reading of your loss. I hope that it helps in some small way to know that we care.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Jewel said...

I also wanted to say that your photos are absolutely beautiful. Again, thank you for sharing your life and family with us.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish we could offer some relief for you, but I fear grief like this is something that only you can get through in the end. I am sure many around you are willing to do anything to help, even just sit and listen.

Best Wishes,
Scot & Karen

10:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tricia,

You haven't blogged lately! I hope everything is o.k. Please keep us posted. Many of us do want to hear and are waiting to read about you!

2:33 PM  

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