Saturday, March 24, 2007

Tired

and in a funk. As usual, functioning just fine, but feeling oh so unmotivated. (actually, maybe not functioning very well. getting lots done, but ignoring the important stuff)

Please do not ask me if I am liking my new house. I still feel disloyal for liking anything. Even the good stuff is just a better shade of gray.

It's been almost ten months and I'm starting to wonder when the color will return to my life. Sure, I enjoy lots of things. In fact, I probably have more fun in my life than most people. However, anything more than surface gaiety still eludes me. I talk less about Dalton these days because I figure most of you are bored. But I think about him more. Maybe it's the year mark. Maybe its the impending wedding anniversary. Maybe its the move. Sheesh. It could be anything or everything. I suspect that for most of you, I seem to be back to normal and moving on. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for that to happen.

I feel like I am treading water in a treachurous riptide and focusing on the beautiful sunset so that I can ignore the reality of my circumstances. Still, what else is there to do?

I know I should write more. This is an abrupt ending. But like I said, I'm tired and would really much rather go to sleep.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband is battling metastatic colon cancer and is in Johns Hopkins recovering from a lobectomy and a leaking thoracic duct. I am experiencing many of the emotions you expressed...I try to think that the universe is for us and that there is a reason that we have to go through this, but it is hard. My heart goes out to you. I send you love and a wish for healing and unbelievable joy in your future.

6:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Tricia - I found your blog through a link from another site and I just want you to know I think you are amazing. You are incredibly honest and forthright. You were caretaker for your beloved husband while also trying to learn how to be a new mom. Unfathomable until one has to live it.

But you are also an awesome writer - I think you should consider doing that for a living. It's weird about the internet. I found this site by chance and I feel like I'm routing for you everytime I read it. I know you'll be fine in the long run - your tragic experiences will leave an idelible mark on who you are now, who you'll become in the future and you will be a more deeply understanding person because of them.

Anyway, you don't know me- I'm a random internet reader - but I wanted to let you know I think you are amazing.

Take care - Beth

10:41 AM  
Blogger Lisa Kekaula said...

I hear you Tricia. Rest , write, whatever you need to do. I will never get tired of hearing about you missing and loving your husband. I won't get tired of you being happy or angry about your life. You take your time and breath and the hell with anyone that doesn't understand. No one can possibly know what you are going through even if they have had a loss. Loss, grief and recovery are unique for everyone that experiences it and you have had more than your fair share. Take care, and take your time.

1:29 AM  
Anonymous Katie B. said...

I for one am not tired of hearing you talk about Dalton. Everytime you tell a story I learn a little more about the friend that I was just starting to get to know.

12:21 AM  

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