Tuesday, September 11, 2007

A Little Bit of Clarity

It's just a little bit, but a little bit is more than none at all.

I need to do more than what I am doing. Existing is not enough.

Over the past few months I have felt myself moving. Out of a seated position. Standing. Searching. Over a year ago, I sat down in a desert able to head out on any path but void of any direction or compulsion to do so. Dull. Dead.

But life is life and it doesn't know how to stay dormant. Hibernation lasts for a season, and it serves a vital purpose. However, animals who hibernate eventualy wake up. And, despite my desire to stay asleep, I am waking up.

My life needs to have value. Purpose. Meaning. I can't imagine that I've been left here to simply wait for death. And that is what I have been trying to do. If I am stuck here, then it better damn be worthwhile.

I can no longer pretend that life is about getting through it. I don't believe that and I don't want Iain to believe that.

These moments of clarity are still just moments. I'm Stirring. Sleeping. Stirring. Sleeping. But I know I'm waking. I see things that others are doing and I feel my hope and optimism and excitment returning. I am able to recognize value in things beyond their instant pleasure quotient. The idea that my actions could and should have value is reemerging. I think maybe I need to be a part of something bigger, something more.