Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Really Long Business Trip

This is a roller coaster ride. Right now, the dips and twists and turns seem to be weaving their way through anger, determination, optimism and extreme sadness. Yesterday, while moving my car from one parking lot to another in between my lecture class and my lab (a task I must do if I want to pick up Iain before the preschool closes), a stack of pictures fell out of my purse. I had tucked them into the outside pocket after a visit with some of Dalton's friends from work. They were pictures of Dalton feeding Iain his first solid food last 4th of July (guacamole) , the three of us visiting our favorite local winery, and Iain hanging upside down while his dad tickled him at the LA County Fair last year. For some reason, I became a blubbering idiot and had to sit in my car for several minutes while I composed myself.

I still can't believe that he is gone.

I know that is absurd, but it's true.

I think that most of the time, I just fool myself into thinking that he is on a really long business trip and will be back any day. I can't tell you the number of ties throughout the day that I think about calling him and telling him a funny thing that happened or letting him know that I'm runing late. And, when I realize I can't, I usualy just chalk it up to him being unavailable, not dead.

Iain is watching Winnie-the-Pooh right now and the Pooh song just came on. Dalton used to sing a modified version to Iain as a bedtime lullaby.

Iain the Pooh, Iain the Pooh
Chubby little cubby all stufed with fluff
He's Iain the Pooh, Iain the Pooh
Willy nilly silly old bear

Iain the Pooh, Iain the Pooh
Chubby little cubby all stufed with fluff
He's Iain the Pooh, Iain the Pooh

Time to go to sleep little bear

And I'm a blubbering idiot again.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted to thank you for still blogging! I can also relate to your feelings. My husband's death was also due to cancer. It's been almost 2 years and it feels like it happened maybe a couple of months ago. I don't want to disappoint you, but I still have thoughts, feelings, anger, depression, and frustration like yourself. I think I will have to learn to live this way, but I honestly don't think we will ever get over it! I don't have any young kids, but I think that is a big plus for yourself! Enjoy every second you spend with little Ian! He is a big part of Dalton and you should be very happy and grateful you have a piece of Dalton through your son. I try to stay involved with friends, relatives, and church. I feel very sad, empty and depressed when I'm alone. Even after 2 years, I still have thoughts of calling my husband, or waiting for him to come home, or like you said, "waiting for him to get back from that long business trip." Tricia, you are constantly in my prayers and take it day by day!

9:15 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

Again, my thoughts are with you. The craziest things send me into weeping fits. See: Red Cross videos. See also: his sunglasses. See also: old emails that say nothing more than something like, "Hey babe, can you fax this letter to Johns Hopkins after work today?"


7:58 PM  

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