Saturday, October 21, 2006

Long time, no write

Where to begin?

And now I feel guilty. Isn't that silly? To feel guilty about not writing to an internet audience. I suppose what I really feel guilty about is not having captured this last month, not having captured the ups and downs, highs and lows of this crazy time. I have been at both my lowest and my most optimistic, but I haven't stayed at either for long enough to capture them.

"after the fact" is never the same.

So I will probably never get around to writing about these things, but in case Iain asks me someday, I want to remember...

Going back to the hospital where Dalton died and giving a gift to the nurse who cared for us.
Visiting Dalton's friends in Benicia and Petaluma and wondering why we never made the time to do it together.
Discovering that I did not die with Dalton on May 26, 2006.
Wishing sometimes that I had.
Lying down next to the grave of my husband.
And my mother.
And my father.
Getting to the gym five times in a week.
Going apple picking in Oak Glen
Having little Dalton give me a hug and say, "I miss you mommy Tricia. Daddy's in the hospital."
The dodgers winning the wild card and then throwing it away to the Mets.
Being up and down and all over the place in my thought, action, and dreams.

I am in counseling now. I spend $150 per hour for someone to listen to me perform my own psychoanalysis and occasionally ask an introspective question. She's very into dreams; believes they are truly gateways into our innermost psyche. That would be fabulous if I were someone who regularly remembered her dreams, but I'm not. Really, I never have been, but Iain kind of sealed the deal. How much of your dream are you really going to remember when the first thing you hear is a toddler screaming, "Out, mama. Out!" Nevertheless, I have assured Dr. D that I would place a notepad beside the bed just in case.

Just in case happened this week and of course, there was no notepad. I had two, yes two, dreams. The first was good. The second, not so good.

In the first dream, Dalton and I were having our usual fun, flirty, Saturday night at home. It was so real that I woke up thinking that I had finally been able to get through the nightmare about cancer and get back to real life. It happened at the end of a very rough day. Dr. D said it was compensatory, that I really needed it, so my inner self gave me what I needed.

In the second dream though, things were not so happy. There had been a murder, a stabbing, and Dalton and I were trying to solve it. Everything was either white or green-gray, like a scene out of Clockwork Orange. And here's the wierd part. Dalton was very distant. I was aware that he loved me, but that he was intentionally holding back. There was somethig he wouldn't tell me. Or couldn't help me with. And I felt alone. Very, very alone.

Dr. D's question to me was, "So which part of yourself do you feel has been murdered.?"

You're kidding, right.

All of me.

I have no clue who I am without this man. I don't even know who I want to be. It changes minute to minute. So most of the time I just am. And I really don't want to be someone who just is.

So I spend my time dwelling on who I should be. How can I fix this? What should I do? Where should I live? What should I study? How should I parent? What should I believe? When should I date? Who should I date? What cause should I devote my life to? Etc, etc.

It is tiresome, but so much easier than accepting my current circumstances. That is something that I cannot seem to do. And I continue to fight against.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tricia,
Very glad you are back!! I was starting to wonder were you o.k., or were you just having too much fun!! I'm glad you are still keeping us up to date.
Tricia, I know it's easier said than done. But only take one day at a time. Don't try to plan and go too far. If you are happy with your current job, your close friends, etc. etc., then stay where you are and let God and time do the healing.
As far as the dating and moving to another city or state, it could be a new begining for you but at the same time it could be difficult to adapt to because your close friends and family won't be there for you. It's not easy!
For now, continue your daily life, but I think it's very important to include God in your daily plans! Find a church where you and the baby are comfortable in, and let God do the healing. It won't be a magical thing that will happen in days or months, only God knows his plan for you, but let God take control of your life and you will see that the outcome will be the best for you and your son!I think that school is a great idea for you! It keeps you busy but at the same time, you will accomplish a big goal, and that is to someday help others in need.
What helped me very much when I was going through a similar situation was to sell my house and start fresh at a new house all over again. For me it was very sad to have all those memories of my husband in the home we bought together, and then wake up every day and he was no longer there to share the day with me. The table where we shared our coffee and tea each morning was empty now. So many, many memories and I felt very depressed each day. I had to move out and have a new beginning. Again, each of us deal with our situation in a different way. But the main thing is to let God be number one in your life. You will see a change. Take Care and keep us posted!

6:46 AM  
Blogger pitt_chick said...

Tricia,

Don't become complacent--life will get better and you will find your way out of the hell that you're currently in. If you don't feel like therapy is helping, maybe ask your family doctor for recommendations of other ways to deal with it. I really enjoy my therapy sessions (my therapist is an MSW, which is what I'd like to go to school for, and she is also a cancer survivor and divorcee so she's had many of the same experiences that I've had). At the same time, sometimes I can't believe that she gets paid $100/hour to sit and ask people how they feel.

I am here for you, please write me and I'll send you my phone number if you wish. I'm not a whole lot better than you are on the whole grief scale, but maybe commiseration will help.

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

Hi, Tricia. I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that I appreciate your blog. I have a blog, too and I know that it means a lot to me when people comment. THANK YOU - for sharing your experience with me. I feel like I get to learn and go through some deep experiences without actually having to experience them in my own life. It's beneficial and meaningful for me. I know you didn't choose to be in that position, but nevertheless, thank you.

Kat

11:05 PM  

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